XM Radio Guys

View off my front porch. Still raining.

Two of my favourite people are on XM today:

The first is CELEBRATED cell biologist, Bruce Lipton. He's talking to Bob Greene, Oprah's trainer. O.M.G. So I just realized I've had another Blonde Moment with the Time Zone Math. *sigh* He's on at 11 a.m. PST = 2 p.m. EST, right? Yikes & duh. OK, check out Bruce Lipton...and tell Oprah you want him on her show...now, moving on...

The second person is XM Radio Guy, Bill Hutton. Here's what it says on the XM site about him:

Bill Hutton, Program Director

Bill Hutton is the incompetent seat filler behind Lucy - XM 54. Born to a poor sharecropper in the Dust Bowl of the '30s, he learned to fake his own death for insurance money by the time he was 10. Hutton began working in radio as a way to steal records in 1967. By showing no talent whatsoever, he was immediately promoted to general manager and developed such forgetful radio gimmicks as "Thirsty Mondays," "Soiled Gym Socks For Seniors," and "Guess What I Just Swallowed." In 2001, Hutton was given a job at XM as part of a settlement with XM's parent company.

Hahahaha! But seriously, I kid. At first glance, you may think these two have nothing in common. Here is the common thread in both: they have a committment to living a life of JOY. And they are both v. funny people. If you're a fan of alternative music, and even if you're not, you can check out The Bill Hutton Show tonight on XM 54 at 9 p.m. EST.

P.S. No, really, that's the right time!

HAPPY Birthday

One year I opened up my new calendar to find a count down to Bill Hutton's birthday written in January of that year. Classic.

He refers to his life as The Bill Hutton Show and will tell me about episodes. He starts with,"Today on The Bill Hutton Show...." My favourite from last year is the My Dog Got Skunked episode wherein his golden retriever gets sprayed at 2 a.m. in the face. After exhausting all sprays, shampoos, and potions he follows the advice of a friend--or Mr. Internet, I can't remember which-- and goes hunting for a specific kind of douche.  After going to a few stores, he finally found it at Walmart.

Yeah, it didn't work, either.

And I think his friend was just messing with him.

Then I found this photo & sent it to him of some random guy buying a douche at Walmart. Not as uncommon as you'd think.

Last Christmas he sent me an email: Gone But Not Forgotten . . . But Not Remembered Either. It was of his 2000 Christmas show from WKMZ, before he went to XM. So, so BRILLIANT. Here's a snippet.

I often sit with pen handy to jot down what he says because he's so funny. And we talk about everything and nothing; books and movies and stuff in general. He told me I should watch Archer. He described it as: "If James Bond were incompetent & got the job because of his mother." Still haven't watched it, but I loved his description.

He is sprinkled throughout my blog and has been a constant as I've navigated my way thru the last few years of change in my life; divorce, deaths, and moves. Not only one of the funniest people I know, but one of the kindest, too.  He'll prolly go to the gym today, where "It's just me and the old people and the MILFs." Hahahaha

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

You're the BEST, Jerry!

HAPPY B-DAY, XM RADIO GUY!!!

When I used to live in West Virginia, we would have masala chai at the Shaharazade Tea Room in Shepherdstown every Friday. We can have whole conversations speaking in nothing but Seinfeld references, The Simpsons, and of course Larry David. He has nicknames for everyone, something I've adopted for the purposes of this blog. I've heard stories about Art Chick, and 2 Names, and Chick-who-used-to-sit-next-to-me to name a few. I told him at his funeral or wedding, whichever comes first, we'll all have fun figuring out who is who in the Land of Bill Hutton.

Once he was at some psychic fair and Psychic Lady was going around the v. crowded room doing mini-reading for everyone. He was standing with his GF's cousin and she asked him, "Are you two getting married?" He said, "No." And she said, "Because I see two golden cups over your head."

Now. There's always the point in XM Radio Guy's day, where he's at the crossroad. He can go down the Serious Road, or the Get-the-Laugh Road. He takes the road less traveled:

How big are her cups? he asks. THUD. No laughs. Which he has no problem with because it makes for an even funnier story. I got nothin,' he'll say.

Some people might think he's a smart ass--and they would be right. But he also has a v. zen-Buddha softer side. I had a bag of Indian dresses to give to someone after we had tea one day. We walked to her house and she opened the door crying. CRYING. I didn't really know her all that well, but she let us in and I said, "I don't know what's going on but it looks like you might need a hug." And we chatted a bit and she calmed down. As we were leaving, we hugged again and XM Radio Guy says, "Come here, you." And as he's giving her a hug, I'm thinking, This is the Bill Hutton people don't get to see. The sweet, kind...

And then he said, "Just remember: No matter how bad things are, they can always get worse."

That's our guy. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! THIS IS GOING TO BE YOUR YEAR!!! :-) H.

P.S. Listen to him tonight on the Lucy Channel, XM 54.

The Chair

It was the first time I used my new Blackberry for something other than a phone. I'm standing in a thrift store with XM Radio Guy & he's eying 2 original-retro office chairs. "I dunno," he says. "I don't really have room for both. I just need the one. What do you think?"

"I think they're awesome," I say. I look underneath & google the name of the manufacturer. It turns out they are circa 1962 & they're selling on line for $350. Each. "They really are great chairs," he says. "Would you keep one for me?"

After loading up the chairs into our respective cars, we say our goodbyes and he pulls out of the parking lot. I'm watching traffic and a man crosses in front of my car. Traffic is clear & I pull out. The man who crossed ahead of me was in the middle of the road. I jammed on the breaks & tapped into him. He turns around and starts screaming obscenities at me. We're in the middle of a 4-lane road. He walks across to the side and I pull over. He's still screaming and I'm shaken. "OMG!!! I just hit someone!" I'm scared to get out of the car with Screaming Man, but I can't just drive away! So I got out. I looked at him and said, "I am so sorry! I didn't see you. Are you all right?"

And then. This man who had been spewing filth, stopped. He took a breath and turned into a different person. He said, "That's all right. It's just a natural reaction. I'm just having a bad day." At which point I crumpled into Laura Petri and started crying. "Me tooooo!" Later, as I composed myself and was driving down the freeway, I thought, "Natural reaction? Really? Patterned reaction." Back to the story:

He assured me he was OK, and told me to go ahead down the road. If I'd had some presence of mind I would have gotten his name & number. Anyway, I got on my way, still shaken. I called XM Radio Guy and tried to be brave. "OMG! Is the guy all right?" he says. "Yeah, he says he is. He told me he wasn't hurt. I mean, I just tapped into him."

[pause . . . wait for it] "Is my chair OK?"

Classic. Bill Hutton at his best.

I took the chair and left it at Mum's because I didn't have room to take it back to the river house. She was away on one of her trips, can't remember which one. Anyway, when I picked her up from the airport and we got to her house, we walk in and she says, "What's that chair?" And there it stayed. I was webcamming with XM Radio Guy from Mum's one day and he says, "Oh, hey! There's my chair!"

Of course it wasn't there for long. Mum went into one of her cleaning-rearranging binges & she put it out in the barn. The next time I was at Mum's webcamming it, he says, "Where's my chair?" And Mum said, "Oh, did you want me to keep that for you? I got rid of it . . . just kidding! I'm storing it in the barn for you." Hahahaha

I tell this rambling Chair Story today because it's Bill Hutton's birthday. He's one of the FUNniest people I know, and one of my dearest friends. HAPPY B-day. Make a wish!

And may The Force be with you. :-)

Launch Initiative: XM Radio Guy

To All Departments:
There's been a buzz around the office as we've gotten closer to launch-time. Let me just say that here at XM Radio, we are just super-jazzed around here with this new initiative. We've
been Rambo-ing this thing to the next level and we're really expecting to see a huge jump in this last quarter with the launch of the *new* Bill Hutton Show . And let me just tell you, with this new show, we're not chewing on yesterday's breakfast. This is the NEXT BIG THING. So if you can just go ahead and do me the courtesy of Cc-ing your department to bring them into the loop on this thing. We'll be all set to go by EOB. Gotta circle the wagons, keep our powder dry.

This stuff just writes itself. Friends & fam have heard me talk about my XM Radio friend for years. He used to have a radio show at WKMZ in Martinsburg, WV before he moved on to a little-known start-up satellite radio company called XM. He wrote his resume on the back of a "Footprints in the Sand" plaque. His boss still has it in his office.

One year I gave him a "Buddy Jesus" statue. It's on his desk. Along with Buddha & Ganesh. "Hey, if I'm going down, I want in with all the major deities." haha There are more stories I could tell, but I will save them for another time.

In the meantime, tune in tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern: The Bill Hutton Show on The Lucy Channel (XM 54) If you have Direct TV, it's Channel 838 and I think if you have AOL you can listen on line.

Really?

I had to call XM Radio to cancel my subscription. No Bill Hutton, no me. They automatically renewed it, but thankfully didn't have my credit card, so they billed me. Hehhhh . . . so I called and waited. And waited. 25 minutes and then I had to hang up for a phone conference, after which I called again. Have you heard the lame music they play? Remember elevator muzak? Yeah, that. In between are promos for baseball, Nascar & Howard Stern. At minute 23, Gail King comes on and says to hang on, some one will be with me.

Really? You're expecting your customers to wait so long that you've gotten Gail King to cajole us to hang on? BTW, I got to the Gail King marker both times. And this is the same number you call to sign up for service. Call us but we don't really want to talk to you.

I got a v. nice gal on the phone who was completely ineffective. There was no supervisor for me to talk to. According to XM I have a balance that I have to pay for the subscription renewal that THEY did. XM Gal offered to take a payment over the phone. AS IF. As if I'm giving my credit card for them to "automatically renew" my subscription. After all this, she told me that I would have to call back to make sure my cancellation went through. So I call to cancel, but then I have to call AGAIN to make sure I'm cancelled?

They made the mistake of sending me a customer service survey. Nice lady, stupid company. I told them I was writing about this on my blog. So here you go. My kvetching for Friday.

Hello, Burbank!!!

First of all, WOW WOW WOW!!! Loral Langemeier ROCKS!!! I will have a full report when I get back to VA. But let me just say this: if you ever dreamed of creating a *successful* business, and even if you think you don't have the skills, Loral shows you how. She doesn't tell you to quit drinking your a.m. latte. She says, "Just make more money." I've never gone to a seminar where I made money--until this one. I was trying to figure out how to get from Costa Mesa to Burbank yesterday and then John suggested a limo & googled for me. I had made enough money to pay for it. How cool is that?! And the ride was AWESOME. The owner, Mike & I chatted the whole way. I referred him to Loral. He shouldn't have to drive!

So right now I am at a copy center checking email and waiting for Ellen, er her people, to call me.

And on a sad note: My dear friend, Bill Hutton, a.k.a. XM Radio Guy to readers of this blog, said goodnight to his XM Sat. Night radio show last Sat. :-( I know he'll be back with something new, but it's doubtful that it will be with XM Sirius. Idiots. Hehhhhhh...anyway, he sent me a link to download his last show, so you can hear it here.

OK, signing off until Wed. Wish me luck! :-) H.

We're a Scrabblin' Fam

Last night I played Scrabble with my 2 brothers and Mum. One of my brothers scored 87 points with “throated.” Oh, I used up all my letters, he said. Mum was miffed when we wouldn’t accept “quillest.” We googled—not a word! She said, “It’s a person who does quilling.” Oh, you mean like a knittest? Or a carpentist? Not a word. She was doubley miffed when both my brothers accepted “malk.” It’s a Simpsons reference.

See, at this point, I was just going for the laugh, because pointage was futile. And this comes from a convo between my brother and his daughter at breakfast when she was 4.

A: Daddy, may I have some milk for my cereal?

D: No, sweetie. We don’t have any milk. We only have malk. Would you like some malk?

A: What's malk?

D: Rat milk. It has vitamin R. Mmmmm….

A: OK.

My brother is a member of Mensa, and in the magazine in his bathroom is a song written to the tune of "Born to Be Wild." With lines like:

Get your IQ runnin'! Head out on the highway!
Lookin' for a pop quiz, or whatever comes our way!

I like chess and scrabble--intellectual thunder!
Grapplin' with ideas, and things to make us wonder.

Born to be Mensans!

Today we're going to sit in a field in the rain and watch horses. Woo-hoo!

P.S. Listen to XM Radio channel 54 tonight at 9 p.m. EST The Bill Hutton Show
P.P.S. Bruce Lipton on the XM Oprah Channel on Tuesday!!!

Email from XM Radio Guy

Guess what I'm doing today. I'm guest starring on today's episode of The Bill Hutton Show. YAY, me! We had tentative plans for lunch this week or next, and I got this email this a.m. Back tomorrow . . . .

P.S. Does it make it less of a hairwash day if I slap things into Publisher? Yuh-huh!

Day of Rest

'member saying grace?

God is good,
God is great,
Let us thank Him for our . . .

I'm sorry, what was that? OH . . . God is SUFFICIENT. So He's not good or great? Oh, He is-- but also sufficient. I see. And apparently He likes ice cream because He's on a Tastee Freez sign. Because God is like ice cream. You have the basic concept of ice cream, and then everyone gets to choose what flavor God they want.

Mother: Billy, what flavor do you want?
Billy: Can I have a large Loving God?
Cashier: Do you want sprinkles with that?
Billy: Oh, yes!

[Enter unspecified Christian preacher] I'll take a small, sugar-free, fat-free Wrathful God.
Cashier: Do you want sprinkles with that?
Preacher: NO, but can you add some smiting to it?

[Enter 2 friends]
Friend 1: I've never been here before. What should I order?
Friend 2: Well, there's Patriarchy which most people order or you could try Matriarchy. My family is Patriarchy so I'm Patriarchy.
Friend 1: I'll try a small Shakti Surprise.
Cashier: Do you want sprinkles with that?
Friend 2: And I'll have the Traditional Everyone-else-is-wrong.
Cashier: What size?
Friend 2: Can I have that in Cathedral? No, make it a Vatican.
Cashier: Do you want sprinkles with that?

Drivethru window order: Can I have a small, plain non-denominational? [to friend in car] Do you want anything?
Friend: No, I don't believe in dairy.
Driver: That's all!
Cashier: Bless you. That's $2.50, please drive around.


Oh, the flames of hell are licking my heels for this one. I think I'm channeling Eddie Izzard this morning. Feel free to . . . flame me in the comments. ;-) XM Radio Guy Bill Hutton emailed: Does this make the Holy Mother the Dairy Queen? Hahahaha Have a GLORIOUS day.

With S P R I N K L E S