Just
breathe, I tell myself. If
I can just breathe, I’ll be okay. But I don’t want to breathe. I want to
end it.
Migraines are a personal hell I’ve been living thru
for almost 20 years. To family, friends, coworkers, they are just an excuse: not
to be at a family gathering, not to exercise, not to have a cleaner house. Not
to do more with my life. Perhaps that
last one is my own.
To someone who has never had one, there is no
explanation that can do a migraine justice. It’s not “just a headache.” It’s
not just in the head. It’s a
full-body, full-sensory experience. Imagine being in a state of ecstasy. Except
in pain.
It’s the dizziness and nausea and sensitivity to
lights, sounds, smells, temperature, weather, foods. It’s the disorientation
and the inability to focus, concentrate,
think. It’s the heaviness in my body as if I’m made of lead and can’t move.
It’s the full-body pain that I feel, beyond my head. It’s the defeat I feel
every time I get another one. Again? Two
steps forward and one step back. Progress and then a plateau.
It is the constant need to apologize to friends
& fam a good 10 days out of the month of not feeling well enough to
fill-in-the-blank: come to dinner, see a movie, go somewhere, do something.
Sometimes I force myself to go anyway. The thing
about a migraine is that it’s not like I’m bleeding or something dramatic. You
can’t see chronic pain, it’s not that
obvious. To anyone who would see me, I look normal.
I don’t like this identity for myself. I don’t want to
be a migraine person. It’s like I’ve made a career of trying to find the magic
bullet. But there is none. So much of what I’ve done has helped; chiropractic,
acupuncture, dietary restrictions, herbs, supplements, massage, Reiki,
Resonance Repatterning, meditation, TMJ splint, glasses. I know my triggers:
certain foods, chemicals, perfumes, weather, low blood sugar, lack of sleep,
stress.
Things I’m no longer eating: gluten or any grains,
night shades, dairy, sugar, onions, citrus. I’ve not had soda or food additives,
sugar substitute, wine, chocolate for years.
Types of migraines I get:
- · Structural, my neck or TMJ is misaligned.
- · Hormonal. Every month.
- · See aforementioned triggers.
I’m seeing three doctors now; an acupuncturist, a
chiropractic neurologist, and an osteopath who does functional medicine. All
are helping. It’s been suggested that I have Hashimoto’s, a thyroid disorder. I’ve
been treated for being hypothyroid for years, but Hashimoto’s is an autoimmune
disease, with hypothyroidism one of its symptoms. So I’m hopeful that this will
be the missing piece. We’ll know more
with blood work.
Last Friday was the nadir. I made my way for an
unscheduled afternoon appointment for the chiro-neurologist. I was going out of
my head with a migraine that started as severe TMJ pain. I’m lying in a dark
room on the table, just trying to breathe. What
did you do? he asks as he palpates my neck and jaw. I woke up with it, but it just got worse and worse. I think he
called it “a mess” and said I must’ve slept wrong. Crack. He said to rest and he left the room to treat other
patients. Then he came back. Crunch.
Another adjustment. I’m not sure how many adjustments there were, but by the
time I left, I was 50% better. Almost back to the living. By the time I got
home, I was 70% better. Functional. Exhausted. Weary. Ready for another day.
I read somewhere that ripe bananas can trigger
migraines due to the tyramine in them. I had frozen banana smoothies Thursday
& Friday. Add bananas to the List of Forbidden Foods.
I’m taking my basil temperature first thing in the
morning before I get out of bed as part of the thyroid protocol. This morning
it was at its highest at 94.3; the lowest is 93.8 I’m sure it hasn’t helped that we’re having a
heat wave & I don’t have AC. I did manage to get a small window unit in my
bedroom & I do have ceiling fans, but I wilt
in this heat. Another hypothyroid symptom the doctors ask: Intolerance to
extreme heat or cold? Yes.
Now that I’m getting sort of back to normal—at least
not in a migraine haze— I feel hopeful; hopeful that I’m close to feeling
better on a consistent basis. That it’s
not all in my head. That I’m not going crazy and that I can be healthy.
That I can stop apologizing for not being able to do things.
Sunday was my first day of feeling well enough to go
out into the world. I was standing in the freezer section of Costco. There was
a little kid blowing a whistle that had the high pitched sound of a smoke
detector alarm. It shot through my nervous system like an explosion. The
grandmother was oblivious. I said, “That’s a really obnoxious sound.” [I regret
having said it this way because it set up a combative response. I wish I had
said that it was loud, or it hurt my ears or something where I wasn’t labeling
it “obnoxious.” But, hindsight, yada yada.] Grandma said, Well git yursef some ear plugs, then! The thing is, it was her whistle that she used to call her orbiting crew of four
munchkins back to the cart. I walked away and I heard her tell someone else
about our little interlude. I turned on my heel & went back & told
her that she was being rude. She said I obviously didn’t have kids and then
waddled off.
I was fuming & felt physically weak from our
interaction. I’m staring at something in the freezer, trying to calm down. What has come over me that I’m confronting Gammy
in Costco? Just then, a couple walk up to me and thanked me for saying something to her. “We wanted to say something,
but we thought we were the only ones.” And we all had a good laugh. It was just the sort of validation that
I needed in that moment, the sort of camaraderie I imagine people share during
natural disasters and such. As I was walking toward the check out, I passed by
Gammy in another aisle. She sneered and gave a long blow of the whistle. Too late, Gammy. I’ve tapped into the zen
humour of the moment. I’m leaving—and you
will still be with 4 kids in a supermarket. And then I felt sorry for her.
Migraines, for better or worse, have shaped a large
part of who I am. I would not know all the different healing modalities I’ve
learned and I wouldn’t know all the wonderful practitioners I’ve met along the
way. I would never have become a massage therapist and I would not know how to
treat chronic pain as well as I do. I would not have become the artist I am
today, nor would I have mastered meditation so well. More than that, it has
given me a compassion for other people that I think I would not otherwise have.
It has helped me not to take things personally when someone is having an off
day or they are in a bad mood. I don’t need to understand something or someone to
have compassion. Sometimes I forget that, like I did with Gammy. Sometimes it’s
closer to home.
While I can acknowledge the gifts of migraines, I’m
ready to let go of the limitations. I would really like to be done with these
for the next half of my life. They mess up everything. And I’m just tired.
Just
breathe.
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