The Chair

It was the first time I used my new Blackberry for something other than a phone. I'm standing in a thrift store with XM Radio Guy & he's eying 2 original-retro office chairs. "I dunno," he says. "I don't really have room for both. I just need the one. What do you think?"

"I think they're awesome," I say. I look underneath & google the name of the manufacturer. It turns out they are circa 1962 & they're selling on line for $350. Each. "They really are great chairs," he says. "Would you keep one for me?"

After loading up the chairs into our respective cars, we say our goodbyes and he pulls out of the parking lot. I'm watching traffic and a man crosses in front of my car. Traffic is clear & I pull out. The man who crossed ahead of me was in the middle of the road. I jammed on the breaks & tapped into him. He turns around and starts screaming obscenities at me. We're in the middle of a 4-lane road. He walks across to the side and I pull over. He's still screaming and I'm shaken. "OMG!!! I just hit someone!" I'm scared to get out of the car with Screaming Man, but I can't just drive away! So I got out. I looked at him and said, "I am so sorry! I didn't see you. Are you all right?"

And then. This man who had been spewing filth, stopped. He took a breath and turned into a different person. He said, "That's all right. It's just a natural reaction. I'm just having a bad day." At which point I crumpled into Laura Petri and started crying. "Me tooooo!" Later, as I composed myself and was driving down the freeway, I thought, "Natural reaction? Really? Patterned reaction." Back to the story:

He assured me he was OK, and told me to go ahead down the road. If I'd had some presence of mind I would have gotten his name & number. Anyway, I got on my way, still shaken. I called XM Radio Guy and tried to be brave. "OMG! Is the guy all right?" he says. "Yeah, he says he is. He told me he wasn't hurt. I mean, I just tapped into him."

[pause . . . wait for it] "Is my chair OK?"

Classic. Bill Hutton at his best.

I took the chair and left it at Mum's because I didn't have room to take it back to the river house. She was away on one of her trips, can't remember which one. Anyway, when I picked her up from the airport and we got to her house, we walk in and she says, "What's that chair?" And there it stayed. I was webcamming with XM Radio Guy from Mum's one day and he says, "Oh, hey! There's my chair!"

Of course it wasn't there for long. Mum went into one of her cleaning-rearranging binges & she put it out in the barn. The next time I was at Mum's webcamming it, he says, "Where's my chair?" And Mum said, "Oh, did you want me to keep that for you? I got rid of it . . . just kidding! I'm storing it in the barn for you." Hahahaha

I tell this rambling Chair Story today because it's Bill Hutton's birthday. He's one of the FUNniest people I know, and one of my dearest friends. HAPPY B-day. Make a wish!

And may The Force be with you. :-)

Fleamarket Finds

When I was a little girl of 5-ish, we had a go-cart like this one:

I seem to recall Mum backing over it in the driveway.

What can you say about this next . . . er, item?

Eeeewwwww!

And this. This book:

I understand the Idiot's Guide to computers & plumbing & whatever, but really? The Kennedys warrant an Idiot's Guide? [Do you ever want to make it Kenendies when you're writing the plural? No? Just me? OK, then.]

XM Radio Guy Hutton pointed out that the above book is very . . . thin. Hahahaha He said it was funny, but not $3 funny.

Congradulations*

For the past week, -Ex-XM Radio Guy has had a kidney stone. Last Monday in the midst of excruciating pain, he drove himself to the hospital--not the one closest to him, but the good hospital half an hour away. Immediately. After he dropped off his dog. After diagnosis and drugs, he drove himself back home. After picking up the dog. Since then, he has languished waiting to pass the stone. I've been in hysterics about this kidney stone. Laughing, that is. His description of his experiences has been classic. I told him he should tweet it, but he argued it wasn't tweet-worthy. So yesterday he sent an email which I spiffed up with some graphics:


Urethra Franklin. Hahahahaha! Mum's going to be laughing at that one. HAPPY FALKER SATHERHOOD!**

*Yes, I know it's misspelled. It's an homage to Cakewrecks. [Insert eye-roll from Mum]

**Whaaaaa??? Another homage to Cakewrecks, go see.

Day of Rest

'member saying grace?

God is good,
God is great,
Let us thank Him for our . . .

I'm sorry, what was that? OH . . . God is SUFFICIENT. So He's not good or great? Oh, He is-- but also sufficient. I see. And apparently He likes ice cream because He's on a Tastee Freez sign. Because God is like ice cream. You have the basic concept of ice cream, and then everyone gets to choose what flavor God they want.

Mother: Billy, what flavor do you want?
Billy: Can I have a large Loving God?
Cashier: Do you want sprinkles with that?
Billy: Oh, yes!

[Enter unspecified Christian preacher] I'll take a small, sugar-free, fat-free Wrathful God.
Cashier: Do you want sprinkles with that?
Preacher: NO, but can you add some smiting to it?

[Enter 2 friends]
Friend 1: I've never been here before. What should I order?
Friend 2: Well, there's Patriarchy which most people order or you could try Matriarchy. My family is Patriarchy so I'm Patriarchy.
Friend 1: I'll try a small Shakti Surprise.
Cashier: Do you want sprinkles with that?
Friend 2: And I'll have the Traditional Everyone-else-is-wrong.
Cashier: What size?
Friend 2: Can I have that in Cathedral? No, make it a Vatican.
Cashier: Do you want sprinkles with that?

Drivethru window order: Can I have a small, plain non-denominational? [to friend in car] Do you want anything?
Friend: No, I don't believe in dairy.
Driver: That's all!
Cashier: Bless you. That's $2.50, please drive around.


Oh, the flames of hell are licking my heels for this one. I think I'm channeling Eddie Izzard this morning. Feel free to . . . flame me in the comments. ;-) XM Radio Guy Bill Hutton emailed: Does this make the Holy Mother the Dairy Queen? Hahahaha Have a GLORIOUS day.

With S P R I N K L E S

Hilarious without meaning to be

Yesterday, while stopped on the interstate, I tuned into a radio station to get some traffic info. I heard an ad that was so not-meaning-to-be-funny but was:

Give Mom the gift of safety for Mother's Day. Give her the firearm of her choice.

Because nothing says I love you, Mom like a handgun. It got me to thinking about how other businesses could use Mother's Day. Forget the obvious choices of bouquets, jewelry, or spa treatments . . .

Instead of flowers that wilt and die, give your mother something she can really appreciate: Valium. The old-fashioned remedy for ennui and angst, tranquilizing mother's since the 1950's.

This Mother's Day, give Mom a pest-free home. We'll kill your bugs inside and out for her special day.

Trying to think of something special for Mother's Day? Why not consider her own storage unit to fill with future useless crap she gets for Mother's Day.

This stuff just writes itself as XM Radio Guy says. Last year for Mother's Day, XM he gave away pregnancy tests, pearl necklaces, and I forget what else, on his radio show. Hahahaha

Hello, Burbank!!!

First of all, WOW WOW WOW!!! Loral Langemeier ROCKS!!! I will have a full report when I get back to VA. But let me just say this: if you ever dreamed of creating a *successful* business, and even if you think you don't have the skills, Loral shows you how. She doesn't tell you to quit drinking your a.m. latte. She says, "Just make more money." I've never gone to a seminar where I made money--until this one. I was trying to figure out how to get from Costa Mesa to Burbank yesterday and then John suggested a limo & googled for me. I had made enough money to pay for it. How cool is that?! And the ride was AWESOME. The owner, Mike & I chatted the whole way. I referred him to Loral. He shouldn't have to drive!

So right now I am at a copy center checking email and waiting for Ellen, er her people, to call me.

And on a sad note: My dear friend, Bill Hutton, a.k.a. XM Radio Guy to readers of this blog, said goodnight to his XM Sat. Night radio show last Sat. :-( I know he'll be back with something new, but it's doubtful that it will be with XM Sirius. Idiots. Hehhhhhh...anyway, he sent me a link to download his last show, so you can hear it here.

OK, signing off until Wed. Wish me luck! :-) H.

XM Radio Guys

View off my front porch. Still raining.

Two of my favourite people are on XM today:

The first is CELEBRATED cell biologist, Bruce Lipton. He's talking to Bob Greene, Oprah's trainer. O.M.G. So I just realized I've had another Blonde Moment with the Time Zone Math. *sigh* He's on at 11 a.m. PST = 2 p.m. EST, right? Yikes & duh. OK, check out Bruce Lipton...and tell Oprah you want him on her show...now, moving on...

The second person is XM Radio Guy, Bill Hutton. Here's what it says on the XM site about him:

Bill Hutton, Program Director

Bill Hutton is the incompetent seat filler behind Lucy - XM 54. Born to a poor sharecropper in the Dust Bowl of the '30s, he learned to fake his own death for insurance money by the time he was 10. Hutton began working in radio as a way to steal records in 1967. By showing no talent whatsoever, he was immediately promoted to general manager and developed such forgetful radio gimmicks as "Thirsty Mondays," "Soiled Gym Socks For Seniors," and "Guess What I Just Swallowed." In 2001, Hutton was given a job at XM as part of a settlement with XM's parent company.

Hahahaha! But seriously, I kid. At first glance, you may think these two have nothing in common. Here is the common thread in both: they have a committment to living a life of JOY. And they are both v. funny people. If you're a fan of alternative music, and even if you're not, you can check out The Bill Hutton Show tonight on XM 54 at 9 p.m. EST.

P.S. No, really, that's the right time!