HAPPY Birthday

One year I opened up my new calendar to find a count down to Bill Hutton's birthday written in January of that year. Classic.

He refers to his life as The Bill Hutton Show and will tell me about episodes. He starts with,"Today on The Bill Hutton Show...." My favourite from last year is the My Dog Got Skunked episode wherein his golden retriever gets sprayed at 2 a.m. in the face. After exhausting all sprays, shampoos, and potions he follows the advice of a friend--or Mr. Internet, I can't remember which-- and goes hunting for a specific kind of douche.  After going to a few stores, he finally found it at Walmart.

Yeah, it didn't work, either.

And I think his friend was just messing with him.

Then I found this photo & sent it to him of some random guy buying a douche at Walmart. Not as uncommon as you'd think.

Last Christmas he sent me an email: Gone But Not Forgotten . . . But Not Remembered Either. It was of his 2000 Christmas show from WKMZ, before he went to XM. So, so BRILLIANT. Here's a snippet.

I often sit with pen handy to jot down what he says because he's so funny. And we talk about everything and nothing; books and movies and stuff in general. He told me I should watch Archer. He described it as: "If James Bond were incompetent & got the job because of his mother." Still haven't watched it, but I loved his description.

He is sprinkled throughout my blog and has been a constant as I've navigated my way thru the last few years of change in my life; divorce, deaths, and moves. Not only one of the funniest people I know, but one of the kindest, too.  He'll prolly go to the gym today, where "It's just me and the old people and the MILFs." Hahahaha

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

You're the BEST, Jerry!

Fleamarket Finds

When I was a little girl of 5-ish, we had a go-cart like this one:

I seem to recall Mum backing over it in the driveway.

What can you say about this next . . . er, item?

Eeeewwwww!

And this. This book:

I understand the Idiot's Guide to computers & plumbing & whatever, but really? The Kennedys warrant an Idiot's Guide? [Do you ever want to make it Kenendies when you're writing the plural? No? Just me? OK, then.]

XM Radio Guy Hutton pointed out that the above book is very . . . thin. Hahahaha He said it was funny, but not $3 funny.

Congradulations*

For the past week, -Ex-XM Radio Guy has had a kidney stone. Last Monday in the midst of excruciating pain, he drove himself to the hospital--not the one closest to him, but the good hospital half an hour away. Immediately. After he dropped off his dog. After diagnosis and drugs, he drove himself back home. After picking up the dog. Since then, he has languished waiting to pass the stone. I've been in hysterics about this kidney stone. Laughing, that is. His description of his experiences has been classic. I told him he should tweet it, but he argued it wasn't tweet-worthy. So yesterday he sent an email which I spiffed up with some graphics:


Urethra Franklin. Hahahahaha! Mum's going to be laughing at that one. HAPPY FALKER SATHERHOOD!**

*Yes, I know it's misspelled. It's an homage to Cakewrecks. [Insert eye-roll from Mum]

**Whaaaaa??? Another homage to Cakewrecks, go see.

Day of Rest

'member saying grace?

God is good,
God is great,
Let us thank Him for our . . .

I'm sorry, what was that? OH . . . God is SUFFICIENT. So He's not good or great? Oh, He is-- but also sufficient. I see. And apparently He likes ice cream because He's on a Tastee Freez sign. Because God is like ice cream. You have the basic concept of ice cream, and then everyone gets to choose what flavor God they want.

Mother: Billy, what flavor do you want?
Billy: Can I have a large Loving God?
Cashier: Do you want sprinkles with that?
Billy: Oh, yes!

[Enter unspecified Christian preacher] I'll take a small, sugar-free, fat-free Wrathful God.
Cashier: Do you want sprinkles with that?
Preacher: NO, but can you add some smiting to it?

[Enter 2 friends]
Friend 1: I've never been here before. What should I order?
Friend 2: Well, there's Patriarchy which most people order or you could try Matriarchy. My family is Patriarchy so I'm Patriarchy.
Friend 1: I'll try a small Shakti Surprise.
Cashier: Do you want sprinkles with that?
Friend 2: And I'll have the Traditional Everyone-else-is-wrong.
Cashier: What size?
Friend 2: Can I have that in Cathedral? No, make it a Vatican.
Cashier: Do you want sprinkles with that?

Drivethru window order: Can I have a small, plain non-denominational? [to friend in car] Do you want anything?
Friend: No, I don't believe in dairy.
Driver: That's all!
Cashier: Bless you. That's $2.50, please drive around.


Oh, the flames of hell are licking my heels for this one. I think I'm channeling Eddie Izzard this morning. Feel free to . . . flame me in the comments. ;-) XM Radio Guy Bill Hutton emailed: Does this make the Holy Mother the Dairy Queen? Hahahaha Have a GLORIOUS day.

With S P R I N K L E S

Star Trek Awesomeness

From Star Trek Inspirational Posters. Go see.

I went to the new Star Trek movie last night. Wow. I can see why they're already talking franchise. It was fantabulously AWESOME. Really. AND you don't really even have to be a Star Trek fan to appreciate it. Altho, if you are, then it makes it doubley funner. You'll get all the inside jokes as you identify who's who when they first appear on the screen.

It's the story of Captain K. & the Gang as they're just finishing up Starfleet Academy. It was so cute last night in the movie theatre. There were a few families there and there was a point in the movie when Spock does the signature "Live long and prosper" hand gesture, and through the audience, you could see various hands up in the familiar V. BTW, that is how Brother D's kids all say good-bye to my brother. "Bye, Daddy! Live long and prosper!" Hand-in-V. Ah, milestones.

Speaking of Brother D, XM Radio Guy tweeted:

Go see the new Star Trek movie and may the force be with you.

Hahahaha Whenever he used to cross-reference Star Trek/Wars on his radio show, he'd get the indignant emails from all the geeks. Why is he giving away Star Trek pez dispensers on a Star Wars Anniversary show? Doesn't he know the difference? Why don't they check their facts before they allow this to go on the air? Hahahahaha Seriously, go see the movie. And of course, LIVE LONG AND PROSPER.

Hilarious without meaning to be

Yesterday, while stopped on the interstate, I tuned into a radio station to get some traffic info. I heard an ad that was so not-meaning-to-be-funny but was:

Give Mom the gift of safety for Mother's Day. Give her the firearm of her choice.

Because nothing says I love you, Mom like a handgun. It got me to thinking about how other businesses could use Mother's Day. Forget the obvious choices of bouquets, jewelry, or spa treatments . . .

Instead of flowers that wilt and die, give your mother something she can really appreciate: Valium. The old-fashioned remedy for ennui and angst, tranquilizing mother's since the 1950's.

This Mother's Day, give Mom a pest-free home. We'll kill your bugs inside and out for her special day.

Trying to think of something special for Mother's Day? Why not consider her own storage unit to fill with future useless crap she gets for Mother's Day.

This stuff just writes itself as XM Radio Guy says. Last year for Mother's Day, XM he gave away pregnancy tests, pearl necklaces, and I forget what else, on his radio show. Hahahaha

Time

Have you ever woken up and lay in bed arguing with yourself about getting up? This morning I wasn't even arguing.

I have spent the past few months on the phone seemingly non-stop. I have a photo of a woman on the phone that I kept from a Washington Post magazine story. I love the retro vibe to it, and it always reminded me of John Morgan. This week is most likely our last seminar week unless it's not, and I find myself with a sudden abundance of time. This is what people complain that they don't have enough of, right?

When the lay-offs happened at XM, XM Radio Guy said that people would say things like, "Now I'll have time to finish my movie script, write my book, open up a recording studio." XM Radio Guy said, "Now I'll finally have time to create my own breakfast cereal." Yeah, gluten free.

As XM Radio Guy is fond of saying, "I got nothin'. I got crickets." Back tomorrow . . . with something?

Webcamming It

I used to be a techno-phobe, but now I feel like I'm in the 21st century. I still don't twitter or tweet, and I'm a terrible Facebooker, but! I'm loving the webcam. Here's a coupla pix of Brother D playing around:

SpongeBob Squarehead

I don't have pix of my first webcam adventure, but pictured above is me calling XM Radio Guy. So he wasn't answering so I called his phone. Hahahaha The whole point of me learning to webcam it was so I could have a personal training session with T-Tapper Lani Muelrath. AWESOME! Once I was out of my magic-of-webcam trance, I was still just grateful to have this technology. Lani was able to demonstrate the exercises and give me correction in real time. It was so cool! And I learned so much--I feel much more confident in my exercises. Here's what I love about this work: it takes no special equipment or even a lot of space. I can do it at home and traveling. It works as many muscle groups as possible AND it's not just working the muscles. You're improving posture, wringing out the lymphatics, enhancing your overall health. THANK YOU, Lani! This is the best thing since yoga!

All this exercise talk reminds me of something my chiro-friend Catherine said many years ago:

You know the BEST exercise? The one you'll do.

P.S. I'm traveling this week, so may not be posting daily. Today I'll be at our John Morgan Seminar in Cumberland, MD. Then tomorrow I'm going to NYC to see my GSF Vicky. And then! we're going to see Jerry Stocking, author of How to Win by Quitting, on Friday! Woo-hoo! BTW, if you're in NYC, the lecture is free on Fri. from 7-10p at the Meta Center, 214 W. 29th St. 16th Fl. Vicky has never met Jerry so this will be FUN. :-) H.

Off to bed

So tired, but am slapping up a post because I don't think I'll get to it tomorrow. And my Dr. Lee Report will have to wait. So today . . .

XM Radio Guy taught me how to activate my webcam & I had my first webcam chat. It was lots of fun because SIL & M were with me. XM Radio Guy has a thing where he can have a sock puppet talk instead of his picture. So he did that for a while & then switched to a jowly dog. M was thrilled!

After the kiddliewinks were in bed, Brother D & I played with the webcam--and this is where I'm disappointed--I took pictures of us but left the cable at home so I can't upload to my laptop. But it's been super-fun & can't wait to post the pix.

So the reason I'm onto the webcam thing is that I have my first personal training session on Wednesday, and I need to learn how to use it for that. I'm on a quest to get healthy and strong. I'm at the age now where gravity will win if I don't DO something. Consistently. I was looking for a book to read before bed and this jumped off my shelf:

I know I've had several this-book-will-change-your-life book reports recently. And now I'm adding this one to The List. These exercises go beyond losing weight and getting strong. They really focus on health. There are compelling before & after photos, but there are also some amazing stories of people going off blood pressure meds, regulating their menstrual cycles, and getting a handle on diabetes. The exercises are simple and don't require any extra equipment or a tremendous amount of time.

I was really inspired by this book and wanted to start exercising right away. But I also want to make sure I'm doing the exercises correctly. I looked for local T-Tapp classes. Nothing. But I did find Lani Muelrath, who does training online. Enter the webcam. So I'm looking FW to learning the routine. I'll have a full report of course. In the meantime, really . . . Zzzzzzzz . . . nite-nite.

Email from XM Radio Guy

Guess what I'm doing today. I'm guest starring on today's episode of The Bill Hutton Show. YAY, me! We had tentative plans for lunch this week or next, and I got this email this a.m. Back tomorrow . . . .

P.S. Does it make it less of a hairwash day if I slap things into Publisher? Yuh-huh!

B-day celebration with Ex-XM Radio Guy

I finally got together with Ex-XM Radio Guy for our January birthdays. After Xmas, he told me that his GF, Red Lobster, gave him a rock. It's one of those special we'll-each-keep-half kind of rocks. What am I supposed to do with a rock? he says. Hahahahaha So as I was walking to the postbox one day, I saw a really cool rock. So I dolled it up, and this is what I gave Ex-XM Radio Guy for his birthday:

See? It's an elephant.

I glued little sparklies on it & used a gold pen to write OM.

And of course, a labyrinth. It glows in the dark. :-)

Great . . . a rock . . . he says. "You can use it as a doorstop," I said helpfully. Hahahaha

This is the card that I gave with the gift:

So obviously not a card for a GUY.

Time for yourself, yada yada . . .

Hahahahaha

So let me s'plain. He's got a v. sweet severance package and so he's not suffering. Plus, he gets to spend time in his little-cabin-in-the-woods. After working 15-hour days for the past few years, it's been like a vacation. But his parents, of the Depression Era, are all worried about him not having a job. So that's our little joke.

So this is what he gave me:

3 CD's that he fished out of the trash at XM for me: Kathy Griffin, For Your Consideration, advanced copy of Goo Dolls Greatest Hits Vol. 2, & The Clash, Revolution Rock. See the Police Evidence bag pictured above? That's what he put the CD's in. He also gave me Walk Hard, THE funniest movie I've seen since . . . it's a fake biopic in the vein of Spinal Tap. Hysterical! Also pictured is a collection of Star Trek pez dispensers to pass on to Brother D. [I'm totally his favourite sister now!] And a pack of Old Gypsy Fortune Teller cards, circa 1940. How cool is that?

We had Indian food and then we went thrifting. At one store this cashier stood at the front and YELLED for her supervisor. KATHY! HEY, KATHY! Just then we see this woman walk-running from the back storeroom to Cashier Girl. Shhhhhh! You don't have to yell. Blah blah, use the intercom, blah blah So after she leaves, Ex-XM Radio Guy says to Cashier Girl, "How much will it take for you to yell Kathy, again? I got 5 bucks, here." Nothin'. "Anyone? $5 to yell Kathy." Hahahahaha I almost did as we were leaving . . . so that was our b-day vizzie. I have another story to tell, but I'll wait for next week . . . .

P.S. What do you think of the new blog header? It won't be up for long--just until spring. :-)

Hello, Burbank!!!

First of all, WOW WOW WOW!!! Loral Langemeier ROCKS!!! I will have a full report when I get back to VA. But let me just say this: if you ever dreamed of creating a *successful* business, and even if you think you don't have the skills, Loral shows you how. She doesn't tell you to quit drinking your a.m. latte. She says, "Just make more money." I've never gone to a seminar where I made money--until this one. I was trying to figure out how to get from Costa Mesa to Burbank yesterday and then John suggested a limo & googled for me. I had made enough money to pay for it. How cool is that?! And the ride was AWESOME. The owner, Mike & I chatted the whole way. I referred him to Loral. He shouldn't have to drive!

So right now I am at a copy center checking email and waiting for Ellen, er her people, to call me.

And on a sad note: My dear friend, Bill Hutton, a.k.a. XM Radio Guy to readers of this blog, said goodnight to his XM Sat. Night radio show last Sat. :-( I know he'll be back with something new, but it's doubtful that it will be with XM Sirius. Idiots. Hehhhhhh...anyway, he sent me a link to download his last show, so you can hear it here.

OK, signing off until Wed. Wish me luck! :-) H.

Every Day is Halloween

On Saturday Night, I always email XM Radio Guy & request The Goo Goo Dolls. He always plays The Cure. But this Sat. p.m. he played my request; the Boppy Song a.k.a. Everyday is Halloween by Ministry:

I dress this way

just to keep them at bay

cuz Halloween is everyday

hay-hay-hay

Boom boom boppy boppy boom boom

It's one of those Death Rock anthems. You see, Billy. Back in my day we called it Death Rock. You youngsters these day call it Goth.

3 sisters.

Around about this time, Mum would say to me, Oh, Halimah. You're so beautiful on the inside, why cahn't you look like that on the outside? This was interchanged with the other phrase, Oh, what a surprise. You're wearing black.

But as you can see, she has a sense of humour:


She let us dress her up.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

And can I just say?

You may have noticed that I didn't post yesterday. I was on the road back home from my quickie-visit to Brother D's. Here's the b-day card I gave him:

This was actually a card I got by mistake. It must have belonged to the person ahead of me in line, and the cashier gave it to me instead. In any case, it did not go to waste! It got the laugh I was looking for. On the inside I thanked him for letting me & SIL celebrate his b-day with Kathy Griffin.

This is the wrapping for his gift. Hot Wheels paper! I orginally got this from XM Radio Guy & we've passed it back 'n' forth a coupla times. Brother D said, "Oooooh...Hot Wheels!" And the gift inside:

Original 1992 Simpson Halloween masks with all your favourite characters! And now for something completely different:

Can I just say...OMG, she is hysterical! She starts off with Where are my gays? As you know from the previous post, Brother D sent me & SIL with his friend Gay Dan--who was so much fun! [Side note here: I was driving SIL & Gay Dan to their cars after the show & SIL was giving me directions. She said, "Go straight at this light." Gay Dan said, "Never!" He said it right before I was going to say, "Except for Dan." Hahahahaha] OK, so back to Kathy: it started with clips from movies, shows, specials, interviews, etc. She was in Pulp Fiction? Really? And then she came out waving both hands to great applause.

Watching her is like having a conversation with her. Did you see [fill-in-the-blank TV show]? And then she gives her quirky, irreverant observations. She talks about her box-of-wine mother, her experiences at the Emmy's, encounters with celebrities, opinions on current events. It was all v. entertaining. So here's the thing--and an unexpected gift of insight from a night with Kathy. She would do a quickie imitation of Sarah Palin (spot on!), and then she'd say, "I've got lots on Sarah later. Don't worry, I'll get to her." She said that a coupla times. She told this hysterical story of sharing a dressing room with Pamela Anderson and then: that was the end of the show. And SIL said in the car, "She never got to Sarah Palin." And here's the thing: she didn't talk about a lot of things, but she didn't put those things on our radar. She didn't give us the idea that she'd be talking about Celine Dion or American Idol. And then not do it. So even tho it was an AWESOME performance, it felt like there was something missing. If she'd never said more on Sarah Palin later, we'd not have been waiting for it. Something to think about when we make promises or suggestions....

Into the Studio

XM Radio Guy teases me when I say I'm going into the studio. He puts on his Beatles voice.

We're recording our next album, you know. So off I go--2 Labyrinth meditations; one on grass and one on the beach. Above is a picture of chickweed. I love chickweed; it's good in salads to eat, or stirfry and used topically (I have a juicer I put it through) it's great on poison ivy or bug bites to stop itching. Or you can make a tea/tincture with it. Back tomorrow.

Puzzling

We're a puzzle family. We have one on the table in various stages of completion. I was thrifting with XM Radio Guy yesterday after our lunch (the BEST, Jerry!) and picked up a new puzzle to start with Mum. [Side note here: I also found an NSync picture frame that I presented to XM Radio Guy as we said good-bye. It was like Xmas at lunch; he gave me some fab PacMan pillow cases and some newagey chakra music from the station, & the first season of The Sarah Silverman Show].

Back to puzzles: whenever I think of puzzles now, I remember a visit from a member of my husband's family. It was v. early on in our married life. She & her husband came to visit for the weekend. We had gotten a puzzle. It started out with all of us, along with the nieces. By the end of the weekend it was finished.

This is what I like about puzzles: looking at the picture (always pretty) and finding the pieces. It's a leisurely task; you can find a piece or two while waiting for your water for tea to boil. Last night I put the border pieces together. It's a great metaphor for life: the whole is greater than the parts of the sum, there's a place for everything, etc. Leisurely, pleasant, fun-- unless the Puzzle Nazi is involved. We've got to get this puzzle finished! Come over here and get this done! Nothing like making a game mandatory to suck out the fun.

It was interesting watching her because she would get angry at these bits of cardboard if they didn't fit together because they should. And then she would force them together. When I would find a couple pieces wedged together and unstick them, she'd say, They were supposed to go together. Really? Because they don't. The other thing she did was that whatever area someone else was working on, she would take over. By the end of the weekend, it was the two of us in a race to finish the puzzle [Shut up about the puzzle, it's just a game...OMG, does this mean she's coming back next weekend if we don't finish it???]. So we finished it. In the middle of the Almighty Football Game, she insisted that her husband help frame the puzzle to preserve it forever. Yikes.


Harv Eker says, How you do anything is how you do everything.

My brother, a.k.a. Mensa Guy, would give prospective employees a puzzle to solve as part of their interview. You can tell so much about a person by how they approach a puzzle, he says. Yes, you can. It's not how long before you solve it, but how many tries do you take? How do you react emotionally? Do you give up? Do you ask for help or do you have to know it all? Do you try to force things to fit together that don't?

But then, a puzzle is just a game, right?

XM Radio Guys

View off my front porch. Still raining.

Two of my favourite people are on XM today:

The first is CELEBRATED cell biologist, Bruce Lipton. He's talking to Bob Greene, Oprah's trainer. O.M.G. So I just realized I've had another Blonde Moment with the Time Zone Math. *sigh* He's on at 11 a.m. PST = 2 p.m. EST, right? Yikes & duh. OK, check out Bruce Lipton...and tell Oprah you want him on her show...now, moving on...

The second person is XM Radio Guy, Bill Hutton. Here's what it says on the XM site about him:

Bill Hutton, Program Director

Bill Hutton is the incompetent seat filler behind Lucy - XM 54. Born to a poor sharecropper in the Dust Bowl of the '30s, he learned to fake his own death for insurance money by the time he was 10. Hutton began working in radio as a way to steal records in 1967. By showing no talent whatsoever, he was immediately promoted to general manager and developed such forgetful radio gimmicks as "Thirsty Mondays," "Soiled Gym Socks For Seniors," and "Guess What I Just Swallowed." In 2001, Hutton was given a job at XM as part of a settlement with XM's parent company.

Hahahaha! But seriously, I kid. At first glance, you may think these two have nothing in common. Here is the common thread in both: they have a committment to living a life of JOY. And they are both v. funny people. If you're a fan of alternative music, and even if you're not, you can check out The Bill Hutton Show tonight on XM 54 at 9 p.m. EST.

P.S. No, really, that's the right time!

HAPPY B-DAY, Dr. Seuss

I know you're dead
but if you weren't
I'd give you cake
that wasn't burnt.

I'd sing for you
and maybe dance
and read your books
at every chance.

Your cat and ham
Your JOY and rhymes
have given us such
HAPPY times.

So HAPPY Birthday,
to you now.
Dr. Seuss,
we take a bow.

Today I'm wearing my Cat-in-the-Hat socks for Dr. Seuss. Last night XM Radio Guy celebrated his b-day by giving away his books & some pens as his cheap give-away. Great stuff. I learned to read with The Cat in the Hat, one of my all-time favourite books. He was approached by a textbook company to write a primer, but after he wrote it, they rejected it as inappropriate. So then he went on to fame and fortune. Yay, us!

P.S. THANKS, Mum for reading to me for hours and hours the same books over and over. You're the BEST!

Sisters

I've been going through lots of photos this week, and it always makes me appreciate my family.

I love this picture of my Auntie Vera and Mum. I've always thought it would look good on a box of chocolates. I'm off to a fam-gath. Back in time to listen to XM Radio Guy's show tonight on Lucy Channel 54. What will his cheap give-away be tonight? Tune in and find out. :-) H.

HAPPY B-DAY, XM RADIO GUY!!!

When I used to live in West Virginia, we would have masala chai at the Shaharazade Tea Room in Shepherdstown every Friday. We can have whole conversations speaking in nothing but Seinfeld references, The Simpsons, and of course Larry David. He has nicknames for everyone, something I've adopted for the purposes of this blog. I've heard stories about Art Chick, and 2 Names, and Chick-who-used-to-sit-next-to-me to name a few. I told him at his funeral or wedding, whichever comes first, we'll all have fun figuring out who is who in the Land of Bill Hutton.

Once he was at some psychic fair and Psychic Lady was going around the v. crowded room doing mini-reading for everyone. He was standing with his GF's cousin and she asked him, "Are you two getting married?" He said, "No." And she said, "Because I see two golden cups over your head."

Now. There's always the point in XM Radio Guy's day, where he's at the crossroad. He can go down the Serious Road, or the Get-the-Laugh Road. He takes the road less traveled:

How big are her cups? he asks. THUD. No laughs. Which he has no problem with because it makes for an even funnier story. I got nothin,' he'll say.

Some people might think he's a smart ass--and they would be right. But he also has a v. zen-Buddha softer side. I had a bag of Indian dresses to give to someone after we had tea one day. We walked to her house and she opened the door crying. CRYING. I didn't really know her all that well, but she let us in and I said, "I don't know what's going on but it looks like you might need a hug." And we chatted a bit and she calmed down. As we were leaving, we hugged again and XM Radio Guy says, "Come here, you." And as he's giving her a hug, I'm thinking, This is the Bill Hutton people don't get to see. The sweet, kind...

And then he said, "Just remember: No matter how bad things are, they can always get worse."

That's our guy. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! THIS IS GOING TO BE YOUR YEAR!!! :-) H.

P.S. Listen to him tonight on the Lucy Channel, XM 54.