Good Touch, Bad Touch

I like to think it's because I'm a massage therapist that I'm so sensitive. But then, I've met some pretty insensitive bodyworkers. So perhaps I became a massage therapist because I'm sensitive. Touch is so personal and subjective. One person's deep tension-relieving shoulder massage might be another person's torture. Or someone's deep tissue massage might be another person's tickle. Everyone's different, and it is my job to make a person as comfortable and relaxed as possible in a session. Once I'm working on someone, I'm looking for the "Ah Stroke." Again, it's different for everyone. For a stressed-out teacher, it might be a deep stroke across the top of the shoulder. For a computer athlete, it might be getting under the scapula or working the chest muscles. I had a golf client with lower back pain and his Ah Stroke was a slow elbow up along the spine. No matter who's on the table, I can feel when they sink into that place of deep relaxation and peace, and let go of the tensions, stresses, and worries of the day.

Being sensitive like this is helpful in the healing world. It makes it a bit more challenging when I'm just out in the real world because I'm tuned to all the little nuances and details of an experience. My chiro-friend Catherine gave me a book a few years ago called The Highly Sensitive Person. Before I read it, I thought it was about someone who overpersonalizes things. But it's not about that, it's about the sensory experience: sights, sounds, smells, touch, etc. When I walk into a room, I sense temperature, lighting, clutter, cleanliness, textures. If people are in the room, I'm reading the mood and energy of the room. John has pointed out that I go right from seeing something to having a feeling. This may be why I won't watch violence on TV. It doesn't matter if it's real or not, I feel it. And it is not a pleasant sensation. On the other hand, when I watch my favourite You Tube video Hugs in Tel Aviv, I SMILE everytime. Watch the baby in the stroller offer his cookie to Hugging Guy. So sweet.

I say this all as a preface to an observation. When I'm massaging a client, I tell her to say "stop" if there's anything I do that's uncomfortable. It doesn't matter if I think she needs me to work a particular muscle in a certain way. It's not about me, it's about her. She knows her body better than anyone. And she needs to know that she can trust me that if she says stop, that I will. Immediately. That trust allows her to relax fully and allow for some deep healing to take place.

So perhaps I am sensitive to that word. STOP.

Stop means stop, no matter who's saying it. And just because someone is laughing, doesn't mean they are enjoying the experience. So pay attention all you well-meaning uncles & aunties, moms & dads & other adults in a child's world:

Tickling is FUNny, until it's NOT.

Pinning them down to the ground with your ginormous-to-a-child body is threatening and overbearing. Forced touch of any kind is a violation.

Oftentimes adults are quick to discount a child's feelings just because s/he is a child. STOP. A child's feelings are no less real than yours. Ridiculing, cajoling, or discounting a child's feelings can get interpreted so many different ways and set up patterns for a lifetime. Patterns like:

"What I think doesn't matter."
"People don't listen to me."
"Other people's feelings are more important than mine."
"Other people are more important than me."

As for the tickling:

"I don't like being touched."
"I can't trust others to touch me in ways that I would like."
"Touch is not pleasant."
"I am powerless."

I used to be a nanny half my lifetime ago. And I used to tickle little Gabe's feet and he would giggle which would make me giggle. And even then, before an education degree or hypno-training or massage school, I would stop when he asked. And he would say it like this: STOP...do it again! And I would. His body, his choice.

We are such a touch-deprived nation. And worse, not only have people not had positive experiences with touch, they've had negative experiences. Let's make an effort to create positive touch in the lives of the people we come into contact with. And while we're at it, here's another hug from Juan Mann, the guy who started the whole Hug Campaign. Have a LOVEly day.