I’m sorry BUT here’s how I’m going to justify my crappy behaviour and/ or my mean words. AND I will further insult your intelligence by pointing out how you are wrong and silly for feeling the way you do.
The advantage for the But Apologizers is that they get to be right and fault-free. The disadvantage is that they chip away at the relationship. It's rarely just one event that will destroy a relationship, but an adding up of events that starts an avalanche.
And it would be so easy to remedy. An apology is the balm that sooths a hurt spirit. And like a THANK YOU, it’s never too late to offer an apology. It just might facilitate the healing that needs to take place.
Some people don't even offer the But Apology, they just whistle right into the Wrong & Silly. Years ago I had a friend staying over and she left half a bag of Hershey's Kisses out. At 11 p.m. there was nothing but a shredded, spitty bag on the floor. I didn't know which of my 2 dogs had eaten them. I was freaking out--OMG! Chocolate is poisonous to dogs! At my discovery, she told me I was wrong to be so worried. They would be OK because she knew of another, much smaller, dog that ate chocolate and he was OK, so I shouldn't worry. This happened before??? The advantage of Non-Apologizers is they get to be right. The disadvantage is that by never admitting a mistake, they don’t learn. And they chip away at the relationship…and at some point you ask yourself, "Why do I choose to have this person in my life?" And then you choose not to.
What if someone is expecting an apology and you don't feel like you've done anything wrong? How important is this person to you? If you don't care, then WTH. But if you do: say it anyway. I'm sorry. [Say to self the rest of that sentence: you feel that way]. Really.
And on the flipside: I would be remiss if I didn’t address the super-sensitive-type. You know them: you unknowingly offend and upset. A lot. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. It’s just another way to make someone wrong, like crowding someone on the sidewalk. I am not making this up! You would think this is a story from the fifth grade. Sadly, no. Years ago in my summerstock theatre days, I had an actress-friend who stopped talking to me for taking up too much space. And I apologized. I did. And then I did something else…and something else equally innocuous…there was always the next thing. It wasn’t just with me, she kind of worked her way through the whole company. She was on a quasi-popular sitcom in the 90’s and I just felt sorry for anyone who had to tiptoe around her. But then, maybe she grew up. And I forgive her--that's another blog post for another day!
So, I'm going to apologize right now if I've offended anyone. Really. Not my intention. Someone once said that we judge others by their behaviours but we judge ourselves by our intentions. So here's my Apology Coupon. That little phrase "I'm sorry. I love you...." yada yada is from Joe Vitale. He's written a book called Zero Limits about the work of Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len who worked in a psych ward and healed patients by repeating that phrase to himself. That's a simplistic way of explaining it, but you can find out more about him from Joe's website.
No comments:
Post a Comment