What Will People Think?

I was chatting with Mum last night and she had 3 back-to-back funerals to attend. On her way home, she said she was thinking she really should clean out her drawers and cupboards because if something happened to her, what would people think?

I suppose funerals lead one to such deep and profound contemplation.

Now, you have to know my mother. Her “mess” is another person’s “tidy” or “clean.” Growing up, “doing the dishes” meant essentially cleaning the whole kitchen. There was an invisible checklist beyond washing dishes: clear/clean table, clear/clean counters, scrub stove, sweep floor, clean out sink after washing dishes, empty strainer, rinse sponge & washcloth and place properly to dry, and take out trash. That’s a proper job. And if one of those things was missing, there was the Well. You haven’t done a proper job, then, have you? [Note: Read all Mum quotes with English accent—rather like Mary Poppins, who was also practically perfect in every way].

We were sitting having tea one day and she was musing to herself, “I really should clean out my gutters.” I can honestly say I have NEVER had that thought. Ever. Even if my gutters were sprouting trees.

Once I arrived at Mum’s while on my cell phone talking to John. There she was, up on the roof. “Mum. What are you doing on the roof?” And John says, “She’s on the roof? Of course she is. She’s your mother.” Cleaning gutters.

But at least this roof is one story. Her previous house was an old Victorian that she renovated from the basement up. Three stories. I called one day and left a message and when she called back, she blithely said, “Sorry I couldn’t get to the phone. I was up on the roof.” This was a few years ago, so she was only 68 at the time. I said, “Mum, what were you doing up on the roof?” And here it comes:

Well. I want to paint it. But it’s terribly dirty. So I had to take the vacuum—

Woah-woah-woah! Vacuum?

Well. I tried sweeping it with a broom, but it just didn’t get it clean enough. And I cAHn't paint dirt. But the vaccuum worked quite nicely.

So this is why it’s v. amusing to me that she is worried about messy drawers. And of course we all have great fun at her expense doing various imitations. Did you take a toothbrush and clean behind the picture frames? No? Well. You haven’t done a proper job then, have you? Did you take a Q-tip and clean around the knobby things on the blender? You get the idea. Some of my sibs are more obsessive than others. I listened to my sister musing the way Mum does as she said, “I really should get in there and clean out my pantry.” Ah, that’s a mother’s daughter. I, on the other hand, am prolly the only one that can leave dishes in the sink. Oops, out of tea cups, time to do the dishes. I’m kidding. No, I’m not. Yes, I am. Not really.

I am sure there are other Martha Stewarts out there who might be shocked-and-appalled that you might have a junk drawer. Oh, you're living on the wild side now. What will people think? That worries her, but roof vacuuming doesn't. Go figure.