How to Become Gluten Intolerant

If you're GF or around those who are, this is pretty funny!

Favourite lines:

[Gluten intolerance is the] hottest trend in the new age community since we found out we don't have to eat animals. Gluten is the new animal you don't have to eat.

GF bread: The coagulation of mysterious flours that form a brick with the density of a black hole and the dryness of a desert.

. . . while you sit on top of your moral high ground made of rice flour

[This is] based on medical evidence that's yet to be discovered.

In the Supermarket

I was in the supermarket & bought some beer. It was an impulse buy--eh, beer. Oh-hey-lookit! It's gluten free! So I'm at the checkout:

Checkout Girl: I need to see your ID.
Me: Really?
Checkout Girl:
Me: Cool. You just made my day.
Checkout Girl:
Me: You know. 'cause I'm old.
Checkout Girl:

I got nothin'. I got crickets. She just shoved my stuff thru & Bag Girl bagged. I'm sure they have a store policy that everyone gets carded no matter what. Not much more interaction than that. I had gotten chicken for the dogs so before I left, I put my hand on Bag Girl's arm and said, "Thank you for separating the chicken from everything else. I really appreciate it not being near my vegetables." And I really do! I also appreciate not having a bottle of salad dressing lopped on top of my lettuce. True story.

Dave Dobson used to say if you want to see people in trances, watch them in the supermarket. I used to be a Checkout Girl. I know what that job is like. And there are 2 parts: the technical scanning items, and the interacting-with-customer part. Or not. No matter what your job, you take you to it. And because I know what it's like to be in a service industry, I also know that you rarely hear from customers unless there's a complaint. That's why I thanked Bag Girl. John likes to say,

Leave people in a better place than you found them.

We have that opportunity everyday. Or not.

Gluten Free Goodness

I told Mum to hold it out like fishermen do when
they have their picture taken with a fish. Look
at those HUGE loaves!

I used to have tea and toast every morning for breakfast. I would eat half a loaf in a sitting, that's how much I loved it. And then I had to go gluten free, and that killed the whole bread thing. It's been over 2 years since I had real bread. During that time I have eaten sawdust, gritty cardboard, or chewy mush. All these things claimed to be GF "bread." Even the ones that are edible, just aren't like real bread. I put up with it because it's GF & it's better than nothing. Except when it's not. So then I just don't eat sandwiches & other normal bready things.

Composer Brother gave me a subscription to Living Without, an awesome magazine for people with food allergies. This weekend, Mum gave a try with one of the bread recipes. I had a REAL sandwich! The texture, the taste--it's like real bread. Here's the recipe to Champion Sandwich Bread. Thanks to Diane Kittle for bringing back toast & sandwiches, and thanks to Mum for GF baking! :-)

Communion Conundrum

When I was at the annual church-in-the-woods service this past Sunday, I realized that I couldn't receive communion after the service had started. The bread may be unleavened, but it's still bread. I couldn't very well go up and whisper to the minister, "Do you have any gluten free body of Christ? No? Then I'll just have the blood. Thanks, very much." I managed to chat with her after the service and she said that I could bring my own cracker-whatnot next time. I have these horrible GF rice crackers--horrible! And then I thought, well, there's the GF ice cream cones. And they're more like the communion wafers. Wouldn't that be funny? Take this ice cream cone, it is my body which was given to thee. Eat it in the remembrance of me.

Oh the flames are licking my heels. Back tomorrow. ;-)

Xmas Gath

We started a Christmas tradition of having our family celebration the Saturday-before-Christmas so that my sibs-with-kids can stay home on Christmas day and enjoy it without having to rush anywhere. We do a potluck buffet. I brought a bucket of hummus & veggies. Mum made her famous homemade mac & cheese and a Gluten Free (GF) version for my chiro-sister Ruthie and me.

We have a rule that we make gifts or don't spend over $20 per person. There's a lot of creativity in the fam! Books are a favourite gift, or course. This year I gave out my new CD, family photo ornies, and the Stephen Colbert Ornament of Truthiness, and hand made truffles. One of my bros made Gluten Free biscotti. OMG!!! De-lish!

And this is what I'll leave you with: my other brother created his own packaging with boxes of crackers. This will not be funny unless you know what Soylent Green is. So read this before moving on.

OK, so now you know what Soylent Green is, right? Because whenever you have to explain a joke, it's just not funny. And it's too much work, besides. OK, so this is what my brother gave me:

"Now with more girls." Get it? hahaha

Not pictured, but listed on the side are the ingredients: Celiacs. hahaha Merry Almost Christmas!